Tired

I'm not sure what I'm going to write in this entry. I feel god awful. It's all starting to get to me again. The world's closing in on me like the trash-compactor in Star Wars. Slowly and steadily I'm being crushed, while the beast lurks beneath the surface waiting to pull me under. I feel like collapsing in on myself. Letting go and falling apart. Circuits dying and diodes going. The hurt inside my mind feels like it's going to burst out Alien-style.
I need a break.

The Truth Will Out

Bloody bloody. A couple hours ago people from my school stumbled upon my video blog (by the way, there's a new episode up now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsBMCarT7ps), and I'm expecting that by tomorrow word will have spread. I'm expecting fucking hell tomorrow. So, as my Social Anxiety, OCD and depression will be outed tomorrow, why now everything else? Why don't I go for total discloser?

Candles in that there Wind

Today: Discovered a new way to combat all this; drinking Gin and Tonics, Douglas Adams style. Seems about as good an idea as most of the shit I end up doing, only this works a bit better than the suicide thing would've. I managed to do both nothing and something today. In doing work and study for exams and classes I did, well pretty much nothing. On the Social Anxiety front I managed quite a bloody bit. Firstly I was able to act relaxed and normal(ish) in class and actually communicate and joke about with others (thank you Above Top Secret for providing much mirth). Secondly I went and got my haircut (there'll be a picture somewhere on the blog I guess), and made small talk with the hairdresser. Finally I managed to film my first episode of the videoblog; 5 Minutes to Belgium. Pretty much it's similar to what's on here, but later episodes will be more of reflections on the past than this blog is.

Today's result:

Do It In Style

Hmm... I thought I'd posted here recently, seems I haven't. Well, where do I start? Well the amount of 'depressive episodes' have been increasing, it's become an almost daily occurrence. Although today's wasn't quite as bad as the last few; didn't feel like crying for hurting myself, so that's something. I'd say that what with the constant mood swings between (at times) suicidal depression and ELO-fueled happiness, within a fairly short amount of time, that this could be Bi-polar or some such thing. I'll add it to the list. Onto positives, yesterday I managed to present my English talk without falling apart in front of the class, though there was plenty of fallout that night. Today, I had Revolutions and we had to go into groups to do some stuff preparing for the exam (only a few weeks to go with it) and I found myself contributing, talking and joking about with 'em and not feeling over-anxious about it. It's taken a year in that class to get that far, but it's something.

Also, I'm thinking of getting my haircut this weekend, I hate getting it done (overly chatty hairdresser), but I think, as Keating said (a lot); It's Time.

And now for something completely different

For those who aren't obsessive fans of Doctor Who, you probably don't know that today (not all that long ago) the new logo for series 1/5/31 was released.

This has set the internet alight with commentary over the new logo, although this hasn't managed to surpass the amount of talk over the spoiler images that were taken of the filming of the first episode of the new series. Here's a look at some of the photos taken:

Now, did anyone notice the attire of the Doctor's (Matt Smith) companion, WPC Amy Pond (Karen Gillian)? Well, it's that get-up that's sparked a long series of comments of excitement from fans over Gillian's outfit. Now, I'd say there's a great load of fettish ware pictures out there on the internet, that Doctor Who fans wouldn't show any interest in. However, once the Doctor Who connection's made, fandom goes a bit funny.

Carry On Hurting

Anyway, so yesterday was pretty damn god-awful. Spent much of the night trying to hide from the world, wanting to hurt myself or something to stop the pain (a tad ironic that). Today wasn't quite so bad; the quiet after the storm (or is it before the storm?). Just sitting about on the internet, watching Clone Wars and drinking an awful lot of tea (as you can see).

Endlessly and that

Bloody hell, I'm feeling really bloody anxious today (wellll.. tonight now, or this morning really as it's 12:34am now..). Now this massive jolt of anxiety really isn't helping my OCD at all, which has spiked as a result. It's like there's this tempest raging just beneath my skin; at ease on the outside and fucked up on the inside. I feel like I should go curl up and wait for the storm to pass.