Tired

I'm not sure what I'm going to write in this entry. I feel god awful. It's all starting to get to me again. The world's closing in on me like the trash-compactor in Star Wars. Slowly and steadily I'm being crushed, while the beast lurks beneath the surface waiting to pull me under. I feel like collapsing in on myself. Letting go and falling apart. Circuits dying and diodes going. The hurt inside my mind feels like it's going to burst out Alien-style.
I need a break.

The Truth Will Out

Bloody bloody. A couple hours ago people from my school stumbled upon my video blog (by the way, there's a new episode up now: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CsBMCarT7ps), and I'm expecting that by tomorrow word will have spread. I'm expecting fucking hell tomorrow. So, as my Social Anxiety, OCD and depression will be outed tomorrow, why now everything else? Why don't I go for total discloser?

Candles in that there Wind

Today: Discovered a new way to combat all this; drinking Gin and Tonics, Douglas Adams style. Seems about as good an idea as most of the shit I end up doing, only this works a bit better than the suicide thing would've. I managed to do both nothing and something today. In doing work and study for exams and classes I did, well pretty much nothing. On the Social Anxiety front I managed quite a bloody bit. Firstly I was able to act relaxed and normal(ish) in class and actually communicate and joke about with others (thank you Above Top Secret for providing much mirth). Secondly I went and got my haircut (there'll be a picture somewhere on the blog I guess), and made small talk with the hairdresser. Finally I managed to film my first episode of the videoblog; 5 Minutes to Belgium. Pretty much it's similar to what's on here, but later episodes will be more of reflections on the past than this blog is.

Today's result:

Do It In Style

Hmm... I thought I'd posted here recently, seems I haven't. Well, where do I start? Well the amount of 'depressive episodes' have been increasing, it's become an almost daily occurrence. Although today's wasn't quite as bad as the last few; didn't feel like crying for hurting myself, so that's something. I'd say that what with the constant mood swings between (at times) suicidal depression and ELO-fueled happiness, within a fairly short amount of time, that this could be Bi-polar or some such thing. I'll add it to the list. Onto positives, yesterday I managed to present my English talk without falling apart in front of the class, though there was plenty of fallout that night. Today, I had Revolutions and we had to go into groups to do some stuff preparing for the exam (only a few weeks to go with it) and I found myself contributing, talking and joking about with 'em and not feeling over-anxious about it. It's taken a year in that class to get that far, but it's something.

Also, I'm thinking of getting my haircut this weekend, I hate getting it done (overly chatty hairdresser), but I think, as Keating said (a lot); It's Time.

And now for something completely different

For those who aren't obsessive fans of Doctor Who, you probably don't know that today (not all that long ago) the new logo for series 1/5/31 was released.

This has set the internet alight with commentary over the new logo, although this hasn't managed to surpass the amount of talk over the spoiler images that were taken of the filming of the first episode of the new series. Here's a look at some of the photos taken:

Now, did anyone notice the attire of the Doctor's (Matt Smith) companion, WPC Amy Pond (Karen Gillian)? Well, it's that get-up that's sparked a long series of comments of excitement from fans over Gillian's outfit. Now, I'd say there's a great load of fettish ware pictures out there on the internet, that Doctor Who fans wouldn't show any interest in. However, once the Doctor Who connection's made, fandom goes a bit funny.

Carry On Hurting

Anyway, so yesterday was pretty damn god-awful. Spent much of the night trying to hide from the world, wanting to hurt myself or something to stop the pain (a tad ironic that). Today wasn't quite so bad; the quiet after the storm (or is it before the storm?). Just sitting about on the internet, watching Clone Wars and drinking an awful lot of tea (as you can see).

Endlessly and that

Bloody hell, I'm feeling really bloody anxious today (wellll.. tonight now, or this morning really as it's 12:34am now..). Now this massive jolt of anxiety really isn't helping my OCD at all, which has spiked as a result. It's like there's this tempest raging just beneath my skin; at ease on the outside and fucked up on the inside. I feel like I should go curl up and wait for the storm to pass.

Don't Bring Me Down

Fuck. There, that seemed the best way to start this post. No, you might of guessed, things are not going that well at the moment. Things are ramping up a bit, it's like the end of A Day in the Life, you know with all the sound 'n' music ascending to the end there (or like Peter Davison's regeneration at the end of Caves of Andozani for that matter). M'depression is hardly easing up, quite the reverse rather and my OCD's setting in more. Not that it hasn't for the last 17 or so years, but I've usually been able to keep it more or less in line when out in the real world. At home it's pretty bad, but I usually find that I can just about manage it when out 'n' about. Not so much now though. It's been getting steadily worse for sometime now, each day is becoming more and more like an episode of Monk... without the murders though. Anyway, that's all for now, time to try and cope whilst listening to ELO or something.

The Light on the Hill (or maybe not)

Day four of needless isolation. It's not going all that well either. Tomorrow however it'll be different, tomorrow I'll be going out, I'll be getting up before the afternoon and I'll be doing an awful lot of work. Funnily enough I'm (almost) looking forward to it. Being busy, working; all that god-awful shite that fills your life with fear stress and anger. It's good stuff. It distracts you from your reality (readers should note that here I really mean that it distracts me from my reality.

The Edge of Tomorrow

150 days ago I didn't die. I could've, I was certainly planning to, but didn't. Funny that (well, not really). I mention it as I'm starting to feel the same way I felt in the time leading up to making that decision. Perhaps I've been cooped up in here too long, but it's only been a couple of days, I've been inside for weeks at a time without setting foot outside. Can't I do that anymore? Maybe that's not such a bad thing.

The Podgate Scandal

So this morning I woke up (after having had a dream that I had already woken up and gone through my normal morning routine, my subconscious tricking me into oversleeping, I guess) and checked my Twitter account. This is one of the joys of the modern world I might add; that I can lie in bed, semi-conscious and still manage to read messages and communicate with the world. Anyway, today I awoke to find a battle of words and ideas raging across the Twitterverse. From what I could divine, a UK based Doctor Who Convention, Time and Again, has given the podcast Doctor Who Online exclusive allowance to interview their guest stars, this was because of Doctor Who Online providing free advertising for the convention. Now for the many other podcasters attending, this is rather insulting; that not only are they not allowed to interview guests but that they are prohibited from recording altogether, photography has also been limited at the convention. This goes against everything fandom stands for, Doctor Who fandom in particular, these are people who are supposed to be loyal to a TV show about a character who resists and fights oppression, who flouts such arbitrary rules. As a podcaster (for those who don't know, I had a now sadly defunct (although perhaps not for much longer...) podcast called Five Rounds Rapid) I can understand how this deal made between Doctor Who Online and Time and Again would piss people off and indeed it has done, hence the Twitter rage that I witnessed this morning. The best course of action from here would be for Doctor Who Online to ask Time and Again to rescind their offer of exclusive interviews and open up recording and interviewing to all attendees, otherwise this convention will likely be associated form now on with the appalling turn of events here and the public backlash against them. Anyway, that was my morning, how was yours?

Don't get around much more

Well it' s been a few days since the last post hasn't it now?

What's been going on? Why haven't I been updating this ol' blog?
Well, there isn't really any worthwhile answer to that, so I'll just ramble on if it's all the same to you dear reader.

So then, on the Saturday my father wanted to go see a film with me, now this is rather odd as my father and I hardly get on, barring the occasional discussion on art, food or history. So you can imagine my surprise that he actually wanted to spend time with me; most of the time he'll either mutter angrily under his breath at me or ignore me completely. Anyway, so we arranged to see the re-showing of the cult classic film Dark City that was on, however it turned out that the tickets we'd booked were for the Sunday, not that night. So as the film was clearly off, we decided to get dinner from a Vietnamese place, not too far up from the restaurants I tend to frequent, though usually when I'm in the company of Sabina, the aforementioned girlfriend. Amazingly my father and I managed to talk quite chummily over dinner and seek out a Lebanese pastry shop afterwards, now I rather foolishly thought that this good nature towards each other might last. Of course it didn't. So since then it's been pretty much as usual; terse acknowledgment with scattered showers of civility.

Sunday was sleeping in. Was brief, wonderful, episodes of The War Games on DVD. Was shots of anger and annoyance. Was pain and hate. Was sunny bloody sun.

Sunday night was better. Was healing. Was solace from the storm. Was brief respite.

Late Sunday night was something else. Was sheltering from the desperate cold with Peep Show and podcasts. Was concerned with metaphysics and reality. Was a thesis on suicide. Was interesting.

Monday was easier. Monday had a cup of tea... two cups in fact.

Late Tea

It's 10:15pm and I've not had tea since the morning. Why?
Well, this afternoon, after school (the last day too I might add), was the girlfriend's birthday party. An interesting affair, consisting of Bowling and Laser Tag, it transpires I'm rather good with a laser gun, it was a bit of massacre. Anyway, so in answer to the question, I didn't get back 'cause I'd spent the afternoon and evening with aforementioned girlfriend and her friends. Now that was an anxiety causing situation if ever there was one, I coped though, even managed conversation and that. Anyway, must dash now as I've a kettle to boil.

The Sun and the Rain

It's been raining quite a bit today, ok, it's been raining all day today. Anyway, so needing to buy food, to allow me to eat and all that, I had to venture out into the tempest...

Alright, by the time I went out it was more rain than tempest, but you get the idea. I rather enjoy walking in the rain, I'll let Mike Barson explain why:

"It's raining again,

I'm hearing its pitter patter down.
Its wet in the street
Reflecting the lights and splashing feet,
Nowhere to go,
And nothing I have to do, have to do.

It's raining again,
I follow the christmas lights down town.
I'm leaving the flow
Of people walking all around,
Round and round.

I hear the sound of rain falling in my ears
Washing away the weariness like tears.
I can feel my troubles running down,
Disappear into the silent sound.

Just walking along,
My clothes are soaked right through to the skin,
I haven't a doubt, that this is what life is all about,
The sun and the rain.
Scraps of paper washing down the drain.

I feel the rain falling on my face
I can say there is no better place
Than standing up in the falling down
In so much rain I could almost drown.

Its raining again
A crack in the clouds reveals blue skies
I've been feeling so low
But now everything is on my side
The sun and the rain.
Walk with me fill my heart again.

I hear the rain falling in my ears
Washing away the weariness like tears.
I can feel my troubles running down,
Disappear into the silent sound.

I feel the rain falling on my face
I can say there is no better place
Than standing up in the falling down
In so much rain I could almost drown.

Do de do do de do do do
Do de do de do de do do do"

Yes, I was listening to that song as I walked through the rain..

X Minus One

Well, the holidays are rapidly approaching, bringing with them a tirade of daily work and toil. However before that, uh, joyous time, there's the menacing 'School Assessed Coursework [SAC]' (an essay. Well, two essays really) for Revolutions.. really should study for that one...

Anyway, what with seasons changing and all that, I'm revamping all my various profiles with a new image of myself. Yet for this one I'm unsure of which I'll use:

This'n-















Or this'n-

Not too bad old chap

So, today was the girlfriend's birthday, did rather well with the whole thing I must say. Another success was that I finally got started with the new Revolutions study-regime, didn't work for all that long, but it's a start at least. Unfortunately I've not been all that well the last few days, and as I type this I'm going through an anxiety attack and my OCDs spiked up rather high. Of course this is hardly the first time this has happened today, or any day for that matter, but it's still, well, you know.. (all three of you that is)..

Homoerotic Horror Porn

So tonight readers (yes, all three of you) I was out filming my Media class short film, quite a long, disorganised and almost enjoyable night. Of course my social anxiety hardly helped, but I'd roped a friend of mine into acting in it (he did a bloody good job too I might add) so at least that was reassuring. Of course he left once he we'd filmed his bits (no not like that) and from there on it was all rather more painful. Suddenly that link between myself and the rest of the team was gone, making it bloody hard to interact and just act normally around people I didn't know all that well and wouldn't normally be around. However eventually the thing was done with and I got the hell out of there, for a while I was able to cope with it, but then the whole thing went back to form; awkward, anxious form.

All quiet on the internet front

Last time on, The Braxietel Collection:
"Fuck fuck fuck, it's all fucked. Fuck"

Three Days Later:
"Oh, well that's not quite sooo bad now.."

Hello faithful readers! (That's right, all three of you). So, for those who don't know, I was recently informed that I am at the brink of failing my Revolutions class and that there's no way known to get out of this god-awful mess without someone (probably me) dying. Since then I followed up this line of enquiry and spoke to the teacher myself, to learn that I've actually passed the segment of the grade base on book-work and am likely to do rather well in the essay part of the end of year exam, but will need to work on Area Study One of the French Revolution for said exam. Not quite so bad, no? So it seems certain powers at be tried to put the fear o' god in me, and as readers of this blog (all three of you) may realise, they succeeded in doing so.

In other news, it was bloody warm today, I can't stand anything above 'fairly bloody cold', and so the recent spout of warmth is hardly welcome. It's nice seeing you again Mr. Blue Sky, but is Mr. Grey Sky coming back anytime soon?

Bloody Bloody

Why is it that people are so conflicting? They write one thing and say something completely different and quite scary. The shell shock's wearing off and it seems that I'm going to hell in a handcart. It's slightly fucked. I'll have to fix it, but it's going to be difficult, and painful and I'm sure I'll think of fleeing/suicide (one and the same really; 'cept one's bloody hard to come back from) more often than I ought as a result.

Something Positive

I know I usually use this blog when I'm overrun with anxiety, stress, pain, fear or either the desire to cry into infinity or pour hot rage upon the wold, and this time is no different. However I do think that this time perhaps I could do somehing about it, just this once I could try and do something other than drink tea whilst looking on at the world with contempt (I won't say what this positive action is, but it's certainly radical for me). 

Mus'n complain

A boot stamping into a human face forever. That's how I feel tonight, with the occaisonal moment of respite. Just to clarrify, my face isn't being booted, although some of you Simpsons fans might know that the booting is the traditonal form of punishment down here in the colony, the Orwell quote I began with just about described the mixture of seething anger, mulled rage and torment I'm feelin' right now. That's the way it is; have a day of fun (in the sun too) and be prepared for the pain to follow. It's like fire, and ice. And rage, and the Heart of the sun.

Reflections

So, Silent Witness is on ABC1 here. At the start of the episode, a man leaps to his death of a tall building. The episode also features a number of characters suffering from depression and anxiety disorders.. remind you of anyone?
Funnily enough (or not that funny perhaps) this is exactly what I was planning to do tomorrow. Although I must protest at the depiction of the person suffering from said anxiety disorder; from personal experience it is somewhat unusual for people (people like myself) to get that much support and understanding about one's condition(s).
I know I don't.

Grey Day

Why did I start this blog?
I don't know, at the time it seemed a good idea. Partly because I couldn't be fucked writing anything more on archeological excavation techniques, suffering from that sense of melancholy that comes nicely packaged with depression and another high OCD day. I mean yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away.... wait, that's The Beatles. But my point still stands, I had a bloody good day yesterday and am paying for it today, why is that Universe?
Am I rambling?

Yes?

Well... I do that a lot, if your going to read this, you'll have to get used to it.